


A Baseless Affliction

by panaceaa



Category: South Park
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, Getting Together, High School, K2 is the main pairing, Kenny learns about feelings, Kind of angsty, M/M, aka Kenny is having an existential crisis again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-29 23:57:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13938198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panaceaa/pseuds/panaceaa
Summary: On the eastern edge of South Park, there was a part of town that no one talked about. It was an unstable, insurmountable structure; thrown together in days and then left abandoned just as quickly to suffer the test of time.If anyone cared to look hard enough, that’s where they’d find Kenny.





	A Baseless Affliction

On the eastern edge of South Park, there was a part of town that no one talked about. A part of town that everyone liked to pretend didn’t exist, even though, once upon a time, they probably visited Sodosopa and drank martinis over the house of the family who couldn’t even afford to feed themselves. Ten years later, and it was an unstable, insurmountable structure; thrown together in days and then left abandoned just as quickly to suffer the test of time.

If anyone cared to look hard enough, that’s where they’d find Kenny.

Looking over the world from the top of the place that no one dared venture, he swung his legs back and forth from where they dangled over the edge. A light breeze blew back his hair, and he extended his foot as if to skim the treetops.

From beyond the horizon, the outline of four boys emerged.

He watched them from the towering balcony that once made up the foundation of Sodosopa. Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters drew closer to his house, but from his height he could still scarcely make out their expressions. Couldn’t hear what they were saying. Still, they seemed happy; laughing, and pushing each other around as usual. Kenny rested his head in the palm of his hand and sighed.

They disappeared from his line of vision as they reached his front door. He imagined they knocked. Imagined his mother answered the door and told his friends that he wasn’t home. Told them that she hadn’t seen him. The four of them would turn away, thinking that he had just decided to ditch them or something. He hadn’t, not really.

Soon enough, his friends emerged, and he was proven right as Cartman, Stan, and Butters turned away, leaving his house behind. But Kyle didn’t join them.

For a moment he thought Kyle might have seen him, because he was looking up in his direction, hand shielding his eyes from the sun. Kenny held his breath, heart pounding at the possibility of being seen. However, soon enough Stan was pulling at his arm, and with one final look up, Kyle turned away and followed his best friend across the lawn.

If Kenny were to die, for good, would anybody even remember him?

He watched as they walked further and further away from him; laughing, moving on with their day as normal. Soon enough they returned to being nothing more than specks on the horizon, and he sighed and fell back against the ground, old pieces of wood digging into his back.

Or would he just...be forgotten. Dissolved into the earth like dust.

***

It was the last day of summer before their senior year, a little past sunset, and the sky was bathed in a warm orange glow that seemed somehow melancholy. The four of them were lounging around next to Kenny’s house, which had essentially become their go-to hangout anytime they wanted to just get drunk without involving the rest of their senior class. Kyle had been trying to get Cartman to stop coming for years, but it was almost as if the fatass liked them or something. Or, most likely, they were just the only ones who didn’t lock their doors the moment they saw him coming.

“Just think,” said Stan, “this time next year we’ll all be out of this shit town.”

Kenny looked over at him, smile faltering at the words. “Yeah...you guys will be.”

“Oh yeah,” Stan cringed as if he had somehow forgotten. “Sorry, Ken.”

“It’s fine, not like I could leave my family anyway.”

There was a brief lapse of silence before Cartman went ahead and broke it. Eloquent as always. “I just can’t wait until I don’t have to see Kahl’s dumb face every day.”

Shooting him a look, Stan offered, “Aren’t you two applying to some of the same colleges?”

“We better fucking not be!” Cartman snapped, looking over at the redhead sharply before settling back into his seat after Kyle didn’t even look at him. “Besides, I don’t think most colleges accept Jews.”

“Uh, yeah they do,” said Stan.

“You would know, you fucking hippy.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “You do realize the town’s going to throw a party the day you leave, fatass.”

“Please,” Cartman said with a wave of his hand. “This place is going to be so fucking boring once we’re all gone. Just think of how low the property values are gonna fall.”

“People don’t affect property values, Cartman.”

“Yeah? Well, explain Hollywood then, Stan.”

Kenny noticed that Kyle was being unusually quiet, and when he looked over there was something in his expression that was a cross between bitterness and something that might have been guilt.

“Ky? You okay?” Kenny asked him.

“Yeah,” Kyle said after a moment's pause as if unsure himself. “I just need a minute.”

The three boys watched as Kyle got up from the ground and walked away, disappearing behind the junk pile of old Sodosopa.

Stan looked over at Kenny, “You think he’s okay?”

Cartman cut in before Kenny could answer. “Pussy-ass Jew’s probably just on his period.”

“I’ll go check on him,” said Kenny, standing up and starting to head in the direction Kyle had disappeared.

Stan offered him a nod of recognition before taking another drink of his beer and returning to his highly intelligent debate on whether or not people could affect property values. The last thing Kenny heard before they were out of earshot was Stan threatening to call and ask Wendy. Poor girl had to be getting tired of constant calls over stupid questions.

Kenny found Kyle back behind his house, staring up at the ramshackle remains of old Sodosopa. There was something profoundly intellectual about his gaze, with the way he was staring up at the tower in the same way he would sometimes look at his calculus homework. A look that said he didn’t understand something, yet also harbored a fixed resolve, which more or less meant he wasn’t going to give in until he figured it out. Kenny knew he always did.

“I hate this,” Kyle finally voiced, the sound uncharacteristically quiet. “I don’t know how they ever could have thought it would make things better.”

“Hey, it made a pretty sweet balcony.” Kenny joked but quickly dropped the act when his attempt at lightening the mood had no effect on the redhead. “Ky, why are you suddenly so upset about this? You never seemed to care before.”

“I cared!” Kyle snapped, but then Kenny gave him a look and he slumped with a small shrug. “I don’t know, maybe I just kind of miss the way your house used to look, you know? Back when we were kids.”

“Kyle, my house was always a piece of shit.”

His eyebrows scrunched up in confusion, “I don’t know how to explain it… but I…” He paused and looked back up at the tower with his hands balling into fists at his sides. In his eyes there was a flash of something wild; something unrestrained that stirred something deep within Kenny that he couldn’t name, while at the same time filled him with a feeling that was half excitement, half terror. “I want to fucking burn it.”

“Um, what the fuck dude, that’s my house.”

“I’m not talking about your house, Ken. I’m talking about this,” he said gesturing to the remains of Sodosopa.

“Sorry to break it to you, but they’re kinda attached.”

Kyle smirked. “Then we’ll un-attach it.”

What followed that statement was probably the craziest, stupidest, most beautiful thing Kenny had ever seen.

Grabbing a fractured piece from a fallen metal beam on the ground, Kyle held it as if it were a baseball bat and went to work bashing the western edge of old Sodosopa into pieces. Bits of rotted drywall came loose, and brick walls that had been crumbling for years finally fell to the ground in a cloud of dust. Kenny would have been worried that Kyle could knock down some major support beam or something, causing the entire thing to come down in a puff of smoke and rubble; however, after living under the damn thing for over half his life, Kenny was pretty damn sure he knew the shitty architecture better than even the assholes who built it. If the thing was going to fall, Kenny would know. Besides, going around as a vigilante, for as many years as he did, taught him more than a couple things about saving people.

Even if...Mysterion was currently retired, and the only one present was Kenny himself whose track record was at a record-breaking zero on saving people. He was sure he could manage to...figure out the details if it came down to it. Really.

All that aside, caught somewhere between awe and giddy excitement, Kenny allowed himself to just stand back and let Kyle bash the thing apart. The sounds of the destruction and Kyle’s labored breaths being the only sounds between them.

Eventually, the sounds of his destruction must have been enough to get Stan and Cartman’s attention because the next thing he knew they were beside him. Funny, usually he had really good senses, but he hadn’t even heard them approach.

“Kyle! What the hell!” Stan called to his best friend, not that the redhead paid him any attention.

“Looks like the fucking Jew finally lost it,” Carman deducted, before moving pointedly away from Kenny. Considering what they were standing under the shadow of, probably not a bad idea. Of course, Cartman was the only one who seemed to be aware, probably too evil to be affected by curses or something.

“Kenny!” Stan turned to him after his attempts to get Kyle’s attention ended in failure. “You’re not even going to stop him!?”

Kenny shrugged and plucked the beer from Stan’s grasp, downing the rest of it before tossing it on the ground. “He had like half a beer. He knows what he’s doing, so let him do it.”

Stan then looked over to Cartman, as if fatass would somehow be on his side. But to absolutely no one’s surprise, Cartman had begun throwing random insults at the redhead, all variants along the lines of you hit like a fucking pussy-ass-girl. All were obviously meant to see how much he could escalate the situation. Stan mumbled something intelligible, and from the corner of his eye, Kenny could see him gazing mournfully at his now empty beer.

Minutes passed, until eventually, like someone had flipped a switch, Kyle just stopped.

Standing there, heaving and shaking, Kyle released the metal beam from his hands with a crash. Around him laid bits and pieces of the old forgotten building, and Kenny quickly ran up and put his arm around him when he wavered on his feet.

Keeping the redhead against his side, Kenny did a quick once over for any injuries, and only when he was satisfied that although fatigued, Kyle was perfectly okay, he turned to the other two. Putting on his best smile he asked, “Anyone feel like having a bonfire?”

***

What must have been a few hours later, the fire was still burning bright as the four of them sat on the ground around it. Beer bottles littered the ground, and crickets chirped as they all sat in relative silence, as they had been for quite a while.

The ant that Kenny had been occupying himself by watching, promptly walked into the fire and exploded with a small pop. He sighed. Idiot.

On the opposite side of the fire, Cartman was still engrossed texting someone, as he had been for the past hour or so. Kenny had no idea who because he was pretty sure that Cartman didn’t have any other friends, but he doubted Cartman would even tell him the truth if he asked.

Stan, meanwhile, was about fifteen to twenty beers in and was pretty much past the point of sensible coherency. Kenny had expected to be in a similar state by this time tonight, but oddly enough he hadn’t felt much like drinking. Sure, that hadn’t stopped him from attempting to make something of their last night of freedom; but, despite all the bottles he’d carelessly downed, he wasn’t even a little tipsy. At this point, he was half-debating going into his room and grabbing the bottle of whiskey he had hidden under his bed, just so he could finally escape this weird mood and wake up tomorrow without remembering any of it. But the problem was that it wasn’t just him that was having problems, and Kenny had never been one to abandon a friend, even if his only use seemed to be suffering with him in silence.

Said problematic friend was sitting beside him, looking like he was a million miles away. Kyle was staring into the fire as if it might hold all of life’s answers and had been sipping the same beer slowly and almost mechanically. The fire lit up his face and red hair in a way that made him seem almost ethereal, and there was something poetic about the fact that the fire was born from what Kyle had torn down with nothing but a steel beam and his own righteous anger.

Kenny didn't know what came over him, but one moment he was watching Kyle and the next he was leaning in and pressing his lips against his. He told himself it was just to test for a reaction, to see if he could surprise Kyle out of this weird mood he’d been in so he could finally get trashed like had intended.

He hadn’t been expecting the world to turn upside down.

Kyle made a small little noise of surprise, but that’s all Kenny registered before being consumed with something almost primal and was instantly lost.

Kenny might have been the instigator, but before he knew it Kyle began to kiss back with just as much vigor. Whether it was the alcohol’s influence or Kyle’s natural refusal to back down from a challenge that sparked his sudden passion was unclear, but Kenny sure as hell wasn’t complaining.

Kissing Kyle was the most intense thing he’d ever done, something akin to pressing his lips against the sun. He was fire and passion, and something so incredibly solid and real that Kenny wanted nothing more than to sit back and let him consume him. Wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything.

For a brief moment, Kenny McCormick felt completely _alive_.

It was, without a doubt, the best kiss of Kenny’s life.

Far too soon, Kyle gently pushed him away and met Kenny’s eyes with a gaze that could only be considered analytical. If Kenny’s brain hadn’t been fried before, that green gaze would have been enough to do it. Somewhere a world away he thinks Cartman calls them fags, but Kenny couldn’t give two shits. His entire world is Kyle’s mouth, and Kyle’s eyes, and Kyle’s hand that is still on his face and is so fucking warm.

Kyle opened his mouth and Kenny wondered if he was about to spill the secrets of the universe, at this point he’d kind of be expecting it. But instead, something almost sad crossed Kyle’s expression and he asked, “Are you going to college, Ken?” As if that was a perfectly reasonable thing to say after the world had just been flipped on its axis.

It was probably the last question Kenny would have ever expected.

He had thought that everyone knew exactly where he was going to end up after high school: absolutely fucking nowhere. Kenny McCormick always was and always would be hell bound on a straight shoot to barely getting by. If he was lucky, he could change that for Karen. But as for him, he had always been doomed from the start.

But he didn’t really feel like thinking about that right now. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, he wished he could gracefully pull away, but Kyle’s arm prevented any hasty retreat with the way that it that was still wrapped tightly around his waist. Trapped, he shook his head no with all the proper shame that the prospectless should show to the ivy-league bound. However, strangely enough, his answer must have actually been the meaning of life or something; because, beneath the expected disappointment, and the resolve that said Kyle could probably write three essays explaining exactly how much of a horrible decision he was making, his answer also made the redhead look him in a way that was as unfamiliar as it was beautiful. It sparked a deep sort of ache within his chest, and made Kenny think that he might be perfectly content living inside of Kyle’s eyes for the rest of his life.

It was fucking terrifying.

With no small amount of panic, Kenny quickly disentangled his limbs from Kyle’s and moved over to give himself some distance as he looked anywhere but at Kyle’s face.

A few minutes later Kyle got up, partnered with some excuse that he didn’t want to be a hungover mess on the first day of school. Kenny knew that Kyle was in no way drunk but remained silent as he walked away. Not that he’d have been able to do much else besides sit there, his heart still pounding in his chest as it was. It was only when Kyle was out of his sight that in something akin to a trance, Kenny collapsed against the cold hard ground, suddenly feeling especially lonely without him there.

“Dude… what the hell was that?” Stan slurred from beside him.

Kenny didn’t have a fucking clue.

***

Kenny did his best to avoid Kyle.

That being said, it was kind of hard to avoid someone when that certain someone was a staple of your friend group. It also did him absolutely no favors that next day happened to be the first day of school, which meant tables and seats were first come first serve for the rest of the year. So, Kenny perfected the art of sitting next to Kyle, and of passing Kyle in the halls, and of doing his best to avoid his eyes and pretend like absolutely-fucking-nothing happened.

It worked out about as well as he had expected it to, and Kyle cornered him in the hallway after what might have been the longest lunch of his life.

“Ken, we need to talk about what happened yesterday.”

“What do you mean?” Kenny attempted, in a last-ditch effort for avoidance.

Kyle, unfortunately, had all hands in and was not falling for it. “You kissed me.”

Well, at least he tried.

Kyle didn’t necessarily seem mad, just a little agitated, and that was probably Kenny’s fault for avoiding him like the plague. It would have been easy to say that it happened, and Kenny kind of desperately wanted to ask Kyle if he had felt that thing between them. Ask him so that he could then see if he knew what the fuck it meant, because Kenny sure as hell didn’t know, and if anyone had the answer it would have been Kyle.

He was about to come clean, really, he was. But then it hit him.

What if Kyle had felt nothing.

What if he had no idea what Kenny was talking about, and this thing could end up destroying their friendship during their last year of high school, right before Kyle packed his things and left Kenny behind forever.

“Wait, are you serious?” He feigned shock like a coward. Somewhere deep inside him, the Mysterion part of him was seething. “Shit, I don’t remember half of what happened last night.” He put on his most convincing smile and raised an eyebrow, “I bet it was hot as hell.”

It’d been the best damn kiss he’d ever had.

Kyle gave him a strange look, but Kenny still refused to look him in the eye. “You’re saying you don’t remember?”

“Nope,” Kenny popped the _p_ , for that special little added effect. He felt sick.

Kyle looked as though he was going to argue, but ultimately, he just released a heavy sigh and shook his head. “Well if it comes back to you, you know where to find me,” he said and walked away right as the bell rang.

Kenny, of course, ended up late to his first day of chemistry and was left partnerless at a lab table with Craig and Tweek, the former flipping him off and the latter claiming that he was going to get them all killed in some type of fiery explosion.

Kenny really couldn’t care less.

***

The mall was crowded as always with teens who had nothing better to do than to loiter around water fountains and eating areas. Well, sure, Kenny was also a teen at the mall, but unlike them he only went when he felt like being miserable about it. Looking over, he noticed that the couple on the bench adjacent to his had started giggling and whispering with one another like they were just so fucking enthralled with each other. Had probably already discussed getting a house, planned on getting a white picket fence, 2.5 kids and the works.

Kenny sighed and dropped the butt of his current cigarette directly under the no smoking sign and lit up another one.

“I thought you said you were gonna quit smokin’ Kenny?” Butters piped up from beside him, apparently done with watching him chain smoke in silence.

Kenny shrugged.

He actually hated smoking. Hated the way they made him smell like smoke, and the way Kyle would always curl his nose up at the smell. Hated how he couldn’t afford them, but occasionally he bought a pack in place of eating that day anyway. It wasn’t something he was proud of, but when he died all the time anyway, what the hell did it really matter? At least cigarettes were a way to take his mind off things in times he needed it.

Times like these, when Kenny sometimes wondered if maybe everyone had died a long time ago. That they had died and now they were all just shadows of people endlessly going about their stupid routine’s while ignoring everything that was important. Maybe Kenny was the only real one. Maybe that’s why no one remembered, why no one cared.

Or, hell, maybe it was the opposite. Maybe Kenny had actually died a long time ago and now his soul kept lodging itself back into his body in a constant pursuit to join the living,

Kenny took another long drag of his cigarette.

The blond beside him gave him another concerned look but remained silent. Kenny was grateful. Butters was good company when he felt miserable but didn’t feel like talking about it. Butters didn’t ask questions, at least not the hard ones. He wasn’t like Kyle. Kyle who had an act for seeing right through him. Kyle who might have been the only other real one, that would probably explain the feeling he’d gotten when he kissed him.

Kenny sighed.

“Are you okay, Kenny?” Butters finally broke the silence, fiddling with his hands. “You’ve been looking awfully down lately.”

“I’m fine,” Kenny said as casually as he could manage. Butters looked anything but convinced, but still he didn’t push.

They sat for a little longer in silence before another couple decided it would be a good idea to stand in front of the fountain that was sitting directly in their line of vision, to then start making out.

Kenny sighed, and took another long drag of his cigarette before standing.

“Come on Butters, let’s get the hell outta here.”

***

Kenny was almost positive he had a box of cigarettes stored in his closet somewhere.

He was rummaging around for them, checking pants and jacket pockets that he had never bothered to wash when a box fell from the upper shelf. Unfazed, he went to pick it up when he froze at the sight of dark purple cloth emerging from its cardboard prison.

He grabbed the material and shoved it back into the box as quickly as he could, taking the box and pushing it as far back on the shelf as it could go.

***

Kenny needed a damn smoke. Unfortunately, he had burned through his entire pack yesterday, so now he would need to find someone to pawn some off of.

Which is how he found himself back behind the school during last period, in the designated smoking area that the teachers liked to pretend didn’t exist. Craig had already been there when Kenny had finally managed to convince his Home Economics teacher that he was going to the library to look up recipes. He knew Craig would be here, he always was, the lucky bastard had study hall last period.

Craig looked up from his spot on the steps. “Sup’ McCormick.”

Kenny plopped down next to him. “Hey sugar,” he greeted sweetly, before sticking his hand out in a grabby motion that had become routine between the two of them.

Craig rolled his eyes and dug around in his pocket, pulling out a half-used pack and tossing it over. “You can have them’,” he said in his normal monotone, “I’m not allowed to smoke anymore.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Kenny asked while lighting up a cigarette.

Craig flipped him off. “Someone decided it would be a good idea to remind Tweek of the health risks, and now he’s convinced they’re going to kill me.”

“He didn’t know that before?”

“He did,” Craig shrugged. “But I’d managed to convince him it wasn’t a big deal.”

“How’d you manage that?”

Craig just smirked.

Kenny laughed, “Shit. And after all that effort, now you’re just going to quit because he tells you to?”

“Shut the fuck up, McCormick.”

“Just admit it,” Kenny smirked, “you’re fucking whipped, Craig.”

Craig, unsurprisingly, flipped him off.

“Hey! Kenny!”

Kenny promptly forgot about any form of response he had for Craig by a voice he would recognize anywhere. He scrambled up to stand and greet the redhead who was hurrying across the schoolyard. “Kyle!” He greeted him with a giant smile, before it fell somewhat, still unsure of exactly where they stood. For all he knew, Kyle could be marching over to deck him. “Hey…what’s-“

Kyle’s nose crinkled, it was kind of adorable. “Are you smoking?”

“…No.”

Kyle gave him a disbelieving look but decided not to push. “Want to come over to my house to study?”

“You’re…. asking me? To _study_?”

“Uh, yeah dude. Stan’s with Wendy and I-” he shrugged and offered a small smile, “I could use the company.”

“Oh, then yeah.” Kenny smiled brilliantly, “Of course, Ky.”

Kenny walked over to leave with him but, as he went to walk past, he was stopped by Kyle. He had that small little frown that so frequently graced his face, the one that said that he disapproved of something, but not enough to start World War III over it. Without a word he reached down and grabbed the two ends of Kenny’s coat, zipping it all the way up.

“You’re going to freeze to death, you idiot,” he said with absolutely zero bite to accompany the words.

“Thanks, Ky,” Kenny said, voice noticeably soft as he regarded him fondly.

Kyle nodded before turning to head in the direction of the parking lot, Kenny right at his side.

Had Kenny stayed, he would have seen Craig glance down at his still smoldering cigarette on the ground and scoff, kicking it with his boot when he stood. “And _I’m_ the one who’s fucking whipped.”

***

Kyle was laying across his bed studying.

Kenny watched him from his spot on the floor, his own textbook long abandoned. Kyle always worked so hard for his grades, he was at the top of their class and for good reason. Any college would be lucky to have Kyle. Kenny kind of felt like a shitty friend for not asking, but he wasn’t even really sure where Kyle was applying to. Probably ivy-league or something prestigious...something far-far away from South Park. Someplace that was filled with well-dressed intelligent people like Kyle, somewhere Kyle could find a nice boy he would date who had prospects and a future and-

Well, that was a weird thought. He’d never thought of Kyle dating before, in fact the redhead had never seemed to show any interest in anyone, girls and boys included. Still, the thought bothered him more than Kenny cared to admit, for a reason he wasn’t really sure.

Was it maybe because he had a thing for Kyle? Well, it was no secret that his friend was hot as hell as well as the smartest person he knew. He respected the kid more than anyone, he was brave and passionate, and he worried about Kenny as much as Kenny worried about him, and-

Shit, had he been nursing a damn crush this entire time and not even realized it?

“You should go to community college, Ken,” Kyle said without preamble, startling Kenny from his thoughts. Kyle was looking at him with that intense gaze of his, and damn were his eyes always that green?

Kenny blinked out of his stupor and laughed, attempting to radiate calm. “Uh-huh, sure.”

“I’m serious, Kenny.”

“Kyle, I can’t afford it.”

“That’s why there’s financial aid, and not to mention scholarships.”

“Ky, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my grades aren’t exactly scholarship material.”

“I’m not talking ivy-league award letters here, it’s just community. And you’re far from stupid, Kenny. I see your test scores and I know you don’t study like everyone else does. Even now,” Kyle gave him a hard look, “They could be if you actually tried.”

“Why do you care so much?”

Something flashed in Kyle’s expression, but it was gone before Kenny could figure out what it was. “Is it so hard to believe that I care about you?” Kyle sat up and looked at him with that exact searching look that always made Kenny squirm. “I care about you and I think that you’ve given up on the idea of college before even giving it any thought.”

“Okay… and so…? This Chem homework is what? Gonna pay my way through college?”

“ _Kenny_.”

“ _Kyle_.”

Kyle sighed and visibly deflated, transforming his gaze into something bright and pleading. “Please? Do it for me?”

Five minutes later Kenny was leaning over his science textbook, learning compounds or some shit that he would literally never use in his lifetime. Still, every time he glanced up at Kyle he would be awarded with one of his little approving smiles, so he counted it as a win.

***

Kenny wasn’t stupid. Sure, maybe he couldn’t quote philosophers like Kyle or any shit like that, but he’d been listening to people for far too long to not have picked up a few lessons about life. And really, it was no surprise that half of the teenage dialogue consisted of relationship drama. Long story short, Kenny knew quite a lot about relationships. He was pretty much a fucking master at this point even if he’d never had a stable one himself.

So really, he had no idea how he hadn’t seen this coming.

“Hey, Kenny… can I ask you somethin’?” Butters said while fiddling with his hands. It was a habit he never broke out of from his childhood days, and Kenny knew it meant he was feeling shy about something, so he offered his best smile and ruffled the kid’s hair.

“Sure Leo, what’s on your mind?”

“Well I know we’ve been spendin’ an awful lot of time together, and I really like bein’ your friend and all, but I was thinkin’ we could maybe be even closer…”

Kenny froze. “Um...Closer?”

“Like boyfriends.”

Boyfriends. Butters wanted them to be boyfriends.

He was in the middle of thinking about maybe a million ways to handle this situation. A thousand different ways to shut him down easily, from _Sorry, but I think we should just stay friends_ , to _Sorry but I’ve recently been thinking that I might just follow Kyle Broflovski to the ends of the earth if he asked me and I really don’t think that’s fair to you._ But then he made one crucial error.

He looked at Butters Stotch.

Butters was looking down at the floor, but every so often he would glance up at Kenny with eyes that were glistening a bit too much. Half curled into himself, he looked like his very existence depended on this answer. Looked as if he had been thinking about this a little too long, been dreaming a little too large, and had decided with all the determination of his little pale clenched fist that Kenny McCormick was the only one in the world for him.

“Okay.”

The small blond smiled at his answer, his eyes lighting up as he fell next to Kenny on the floor. Butters wrapped his arms around him and Kenny’s not sure who was at fault, but one of them had started shaking. “Oh gosh, Kenny, I’m so happy.”

Kenny lightly wrapped his arms around him in his best effort to return some of the sentiment, but really he just felt a lot like crying.

***

“So, I heard you and Butters are dating now.”

“Where’d you hear that?”

Kyle scoffed and rolled his eyes. “That a serious question? Butters has been running around telling anyone he can find.”

Of course he was. Because Butters was excited. He was happy.

Sometimes, Kenny forgot the meaning of the word.

”Yeah, we are.”

“Didn’t realize you were into him.”

There was something in Kyle’s tone that immediately set Kenny on edge. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh nothing, just that it’s a little hard for me to believe you’re dating Butters fucking Stotch not three days after you had your tongue down my throat.”

“What that fuck, Kyle!? I told you I don’t remember-”

“Which is bullshit!” Kyle stepped forward, fire in his eyes as he grabbed the front of Kenny’s coat and pulled him to his level. “Don’t lie to me, Kenny.”

Holy shit. Kenny never considered himself a masochist, but Kyle was hot as hell like this. Did people normally have completely platonic feelings about being shoved against a wall and having their fiery best friend kiss them until they couldn’t fucking breathe. Couldn’t move, couldn’t think.

“I don’t get what the big fucking deal is,” Kenny breathed, barely suppressing the shiver that lingered at the edge of his spine.

“Why can’t you just fucking admit that you feel _something_ for me?!”

Why couldn’t he- _what_?

“I…” Kenny swallowed. “I don’t…”

Kyle attempted searching his face, but Kenny was slightly terrified of looking him in the eye.

“Fucking liar.” Kyle eventually said, releasing his hold on him and storming away.

Kenny watched him go, turned on and completely confused. Kyle thought he had legitimate feelings for him?

It was an insane concept. A crush he could deal with, Kyle was an amazing person, Kenny was no stranger to the whispered words tossed around the halls on a daily basis. But feelings? As in love?

Kenny McCormick didn’t do love.

Kenny had never even thought of it before, wasn’t even sure he really believed in it, at least in a romantic sense. Sure, it’d been a nice thought growing up, kind of like believing in fairytales. But, real life was different. Real life wasn’t white knights and pretty blonde princesses. Real life was drunken fights, and frequent divorce, and people throwing around baseless words until they finally grew bored and walked away forever. Walked away to some big-shot ivy-league college and left people like Kenny behind forever. And that’s just the only way the story could ever end.

_Fucking liar._

But although they were Kyle’s words, it wasn’t in his voice he heard them.

***

He had brought the box into the bathroom with him, stared at it for an indeterminable amount of time, before finally pulling the purple fabric over his skin. The costume still fit, even though he hadn’t worn it in years.

Looking into the mirror, he saw a shadowy cloaked figure that he knew nothing about. He was an enigma. A mystery.

 _I have no idea who you are,_ said Kenny.

 _Yes you do._ Mysterion replied. _You’re just afraid to face it, just like everything else in your life._

Kenny looked away from the mirror. Tearing off the hood and mask, he watched as they fell into a crumpled heap on the floor.

***

They needed to get into partners for a stupid book report on _The Princess Bride_.

Kenny had never read it, but according to his teacher it started out with some girl falling in love with some dude who decides to leave her and travel the world. Figures.

He was about to make his way over to Craig’s desk, as he usually did, when Butters was suddenly shoving his desk next to his. Kenny blinked at him in surprise, and Butters offered a wide smile in return. Preparing to question him, he was cut short when a shadow loomed over their now conjoined desks, and Cartman stole the words from his mouth.

“Butters,” Cartman said his name blankly. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Awe gee, sorry Eric, but me and Kenny are gonna be partners for this one.”

“Um excuse me? So, what the hell am I supposed to do? We’re always partners.”

At this point, Kenny was too invested in watching this trainwreck to interlude with the fact that he gave absolutely zero shits about who Butters was partners with. He felt kind of bad leaving Craig by himself anyway, even if the asshole just texted Tweek the whole time and they never actually did the assignment until they finally bullshitted something up five minutes before it was due. It was an art, really.

“Well I know, but that was before me and Kenny started datin’.”

“But Butttteeeersss...” Cartman wined in clear desperation, “You’re always with Kinny.”

“Now, now, Eric,” he said with each word accompanied by a pat on the shoulder. “Kenny’s my boyfriend now, so we can’t keep spendin’ as much time together as before.”

Cartman and Kenny met eyes over the form of the small blond that they or may not have been fighting over. Kenny still wasn’t so sure. But for a brief moment, he thought he saw a flash of something that might have been actual grief in Cartman’s gaze before he quickly looked away.

“I hate you Kinny,” he sniffled.

***

Kyle was reading a textbook again at lunch, as was per usual. Only Kenny noticed that his eyes would frequently peak up from their cover to inspect him, at least until he met Kenny’s eyes and went back to pretending to read. Typical. Still, Kenny noticed something curious in his expression, analytical almost.

They hadn’t talked since their little… episode at the bus stop the other day. Kenny was hoping they could keep it that way for a while, he still had no idea what to say.

He’d only just come to terms with maybe liking Kyle Broflovski a bit more than normal, but now Kyle just had to go and throw an even higher implication at him. Could it be more than a crush?

A week ago he would have probably laughed at the idea. Kenny McCormick didn’t do love after all, especially for ivy-league bound boys who had the world ahead of them.

_Fucking Liar._

But then again…

Kyle was smart. He wouldn’t have confronted Kenny if he wasn’t absolutely sure. But how would he even know? Had the kiss given something away? Had Kyle felt that weird thing between them too? Could Kyle possibly-

No. Not that it would even matter anyway. It was a dangerous thought process that would only make things even more complicated.

Kenny was so engrossed in watching Kyle that he didn’t even notice Butters when he came over to sit next to him. So, he was surprised, that was all. That was what he told himself at least when he almost jumped from his chair when he felt the press of a pair of lips against his cheek. He looked over with wide eyes to see Butters, his expression appropriately guilty.

“Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to scare ya Kenny.”

“Sorry. Guess I’m just a little out of it today,” he said, aiming for nonchalance. Actively pretending he didn’t see Butters’ hand reaching for his own.

Instead, he tried to find something that wasn’t either Butters or Kyle to focus his attention on. What he would have given to find a new damn lunch table, if this was what the entire year was going to be like, he might as well just drop out of school now. He looked to Cartman who’d taken to glaring at him for some unknown reason. Weird, but not all that unusual. He then looked to Stan for help, but of course Stan was too busy looking at his phone to help his friend survive this shitshow. Go figure. And that just left Kyle and Butters. Apparently, Kenny was destined to spend his lunch in awkward silence.

At some point Stan got off his phone, and he and Butters ended up beginning a fascinating conversation on dogs or something. Kyle was still reading his textbook, and with Butters’ attention now diverted, Kenny decided to sneak a glance up at him.

And from behind his book, Kenny swore he could see Kyle smirk.

***

Butters kissed him for the first time while they were in his room working on their English project.

Well, at least while Butters was attempting to work on it, Kenny still hadn’t stopped thinking about the weird looks Kyle kept giving him.

Butters’ rug was soft beneath his fingers, so unlike the ratty ripped one that he had in his own room. He ran his hands through it thoughtlessly and sighed.

Whether his sigh had been a trigger, he was too baffled to ever ask, but the sound served as a prelude to Butters’ lips being pressed against his.

It didn’t last long, just a few moments of lips pressing against lips, and the feel of Butters breath against his. Of soft hair brushing against his forehead, and the overwhelming scent of lavender.

It was nice. It should have been nice. It was sweet, innocent; there was no logical explanation as to why it just felt _wrong_.

When they separated, Butters went back to reading without a word and Kenny eventually picked up his abandoned book and attempted to do the same.

They don’t speak of it again.

***

When Kenny had been thirteen years old, he’d had a thing for Butters Stotch.

It wasn’t so much a crush as it had been a phantom feeling, a certain longing for taking something that held so much innocence and keeping it close. A spare thought he’d have late at night when he was alone in his room and would wonder what it would feel like to have Butters’ pink lips pressed against his, or his effeminate form pressed against his in the darkness.

Over time, whatever he had once felt had faded away into nothing. He never could say why.

It just did.

Now, years later, although the feeling had been far removed, he thought he could at least appreciate the action. Thought he could at least enjoy what had been freely given in a way he had once only imagined in his ancient fantasies, and yet here he was. A mess. A complete trainwreck. Caught in some sort of illness, some affliction that was rendering him incapable of enjoying the feeling of lips pressed against his own. All but one.

Or so the theory went.

It was a theory he needed to test, even if only to sate his curiosity before it killed him. Again.

“Bebe, I need you to kiss me.”

“What the fuck, Kenny?”

“Come on, we’ve done it before. Please, I just need to see something.”

“Okay, but two things. One,” she held up a perfectly manicured finger for emphasis, “that was years ago, and we were usually trashed. And two, aren’t you dating Butters?”

“Yeah, but you’re a girl so it’s totally not cheating.”

“That’s stupid, even for you.”

“Bebe,” Kenny said very seriously, “please?”

She sighed in a way that told him her resolve was quickly crumbling. “This isn’t part of some sexual identity crisis is it?”

“Fuck no. It’s more of a…learning experience. You know,” he shrugged, “like old times?”

She laughed, “You’re so weird, Kenny.” And with that, she leaned over, grabbed his face with her perfectly manicured nails, and kissed him. Her lips were soft and familiar, and it would have been nice if Kenny wasn’t distracted by the fact that somehow it still felt wrong. And it wasn’t just because he was dating Butters, in fact kissing Bebe was easier than kissing his boyfriend had been. There was something almost nostalgic he got from the motion as if he was fifteen again. He was almost prepared for her to pull back and laugh at him like she used to because he’d been using too much tongue. Something that proved to him that things didn’t always change.

Instead, when she pulled back she just patted his cheek two times and said, “Damn, you’ve gotten better, McCormick.”

He supposed it would have been impossible to prove a lie. It was stupid thought anyway.

“You learn anything?” Bebe asked him after a moment passed in silence.

“Not really.”

Bebe sighed and turned to look at him fully for the first time since he’d gotten there. “You know, Kenny, if there’s something bothering you, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone, not if it’s serious.”

And Kenny did believe her, Bebe was a good person at heart. Had he’d tried a bit harder they might have even held a friendship that passed the test of time and the walls of trashy parties. Still, he chose his next words carefully. “When you and Clyde make out, do you feel anything?”

She raised an eyebrow.

He giggled. “Emotions, Bebe. I’m talking about emotions.”

Her eyebrows scrunched together. “Emotions? Like feelings and all that crap? Is that what this was about?” When Kenny sheepishly nodded she rolled her eyes and laughed. “What were you expecting? Fireworks? Sparks? None of that really exists, it’s just something people say so that they can brag about their boyfriend being a better kisser.”

Kenny was silent, wanting to talk about Kyle but being unable to for obvious reasons. Something must have shown on his face though because she gave him a slightly horrified look.

“Please don’t tell me that this was your way of trying to tell me you’re in love with me or something.” When he nearly choked on his own saliva in response she laughed and patted his back. “Good, just making sure.”

***

When Bebe failed to help him, Kenny decided to go to someone who was bound to know a little more about love. He couldn’t go to Stan because he’d just go run and tell Kyle, and that only left one healthy relationship he knew about in this town.

“Tweek, how’d you know Craig was the one?”

“Oh Jesus!” Tweek glared at him from across the counter. “Why are you asking me? Can’t you see I’m at work right now?”

“Come on, I just want to know when you knew it was love.”

“I’m not getting into this right now.”

“Was it while you were fucking?”

“Jesus Christ! Are you trying to get me fired?”

“Don’t your parents own this place?”

“Yeah, like that fucking matters,” Tweek muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“Please Tweek… I’m really lost right now.”

Tweek looked around quickly before lowering his voice, apparently realizing that humoring the blond was the only way he would be able to get him to leave the store. “I don’t know, man. It’s not like there’s a way to explain it, it just happens.”

Kenny leaned half his body over the counter, completely invested. “What happens?”

“Shit man, I don’t know it’s… just this feeling you get. Like this feeling of rightness, and…you just know.”

“I don’t really think that helps me,” Kenny said leaning back with his brow scrunched up in confusion.

Tweek shrugged. “Sorry, man. Now can I get back to work?”

***

It had been a particularly painful death.

After he had left Tweek Bros. with more questions than answers; he’d been on his way to Butters’ house, for what felt like the millionth time in the past week. Considering who he was, it really wasn’t all that surprising that he never quite made it to his house.

It had happened in an instant. One moment he was walking across the sidewalk, and the next he was on his ass because he had slipped on some ice. He was preparing to stand when he heard it coming, and immediately braced himself for the impact of the truck speeding down the road. Of course, it couldn’t have been quick, and as he watched the truck drive off in the distance, Kenny was left bleeding out in the street with the bottom half of his body flattened like he was fucking roadkill.

Which, at that point, he supposed he pretty much was.

Afterward, he woke up in his bed. Same old ratty mattress beneath him, same old ramshackle ceiling above him. It was pitch dark in his room, which was a bit of a shock considering he’d just bled out to the sight of the setting sun. Sometimes he wondered just how many hours of his life he had lost and would never be able to get back. He’d thought of counting once, but the notepad he’d been using only lasted a couple days before it burned with him in a fire. He’d given up after that.

Looking over at the clock on his bedside table, he saw that it read 10:32 pm. Five hours. Not that it mattered. On his phone was an unread message from Butters asking him where he was, they’d made plans to work on that English assignment after all. Normally he would have sent a text back saying that he had fallen asleep or something, except he couldn’t stop thinking about headlights and the taste of blood in his throat. Of broken bones and an eternity of waking up to this. Same old mattress, same old ceiling.

Climbing out of bed, he pocketed his phone and made his way to Butters house.

The air outside seemed colder than normal, and Kenny tightened the hood of his parka around his face until his eyes were the only things revealed to the world. It was a familiar feeling, one he had forced himself to grow out of a lifetime ago. It was still just as comforting as he remembered it being.

Crossing the tracks, he hit familiar sidewalk and his steps faltered.

Hands fisted in the pocket of his jacket, he turned and looked to the house. The windows of the Broflovski home were lit up, and the outside light shone on the front door like a welcoming beacon.

In truth, Kenny lost his faith a long time ago; but the feeling he got when looking at Kyle’s house was probably a lot like the feeling people got when looking at a church. He had a sudden feeling that if a meteor suddenly crashed into their town, then this house would be the only thing left standing. It was warm. Safe.

Kenny turned away.

Butters was probably worried sick. So, he continued on with his original plan, Kyle’s house fading off in the distance.

He noticed the streets pass him by from between hunched shoulders and the sporadic glance up at the starlit sky from beneath the fur of his hood. Before he even realized it, he was at his boyfriend’s house, the building surprisingly dark for the time of night. Hoping that the blond didn’t keep his windows locked, Kenny easily mapped out a way up the side of his house before he climbed it. When he reached the window, he was relieved to find it slightly open, so Kenny only had to push it up a little further before slipping his way in.

Once he was in his room, he saw that Butters was sound asleep. Curled up in his blankets as he was, he looked almost like a little kid; boyish features relaxed, and blond wisps of hair thrown carelessly about his pillow. Kenny went to wake him but stopped himself the moment he reached his hand out, retracting it immediately.

What the hell was he even doing? He shouldn’t be here. This had been a terrible idea. Turning away, he went to make his way back to the window when he was stopped by a soft voice.

“Kenny?”

He looked over to see Butters slowly sitting up in his bed, stretching his arms out with a yawn. “Golly Kenny you gave me quite a scare, seein’ you in my room all a sudden.” He said with a tired smile, “Are you feelin’ alright? I thought ya said you’d be over earlier.”

“Sorry Leo, I got caught up in… something.” He gave his best impression of a smile and shrugged. Too late to go back now. “Mind if I stay over?”

“Oh gee Kenny, I wish ya could,” he said sounding sincerely apologetic, “but if my parents found out I’d be grounded…” Butters trailed off, really looking at him for the first time since he’d gotten there. He probably looked like shit. “...Oh, alright. You can stay, but you gotta sleep on the floor, mister!”

Butters had changed his answer remarkably fast. Maybe it was because he had noticed that Kenny had his hood up which could have been a bit of a nostalgia shock, or maybe he just felt guilty pushing his boyfriend back out into the night. Either way, Kenny couldn’t deny kindness when it was freely given to him, and so he felt himself nod.

Without a word, Kenny stretched out on Butters’ bedroom carpet. Time passed, and after a while he heard Butters breaths start to even out in sleep, and still, Kenny laid wide awake. Laid on his back and stared up at the ceiling, back pushing into the ground below. Felt the coolness of the carpet through his clothes and was intrinsically aware of the faint rise and fall of his chest.

And he thought of dying.

Thought of how many times he’d felt his heart stop beating. Of speeding trucks, and of roadkill. Always roadkill. Of how many times he’d been just like this, on the floor and staring up to see no one. Of being alone. Always alone.

In theory, Kenny didn’t know why he did it.

Didn’t know why, in the middle of the night, he snuck out of his boyfriend’s house with only one destination in mind.

***

Kenny was perhaps a little too familiar with how to navigate the side of Kyle’s house to reach his bedroom window. Not that he’d ever spied on him or anything like that, but he’d considered Kyle’s house as something as a safe haven for a long time, dating back to his days as Mysterion. Kyle had always known it was him behind the mask of course, and he’d lecture him like no tomorrow every time he stumbled into his open window covered with blood; sometimes his own and sometimes someone else’s. Now that he thought of it, those days were a good indicator of when he had started depending more and more on Kyle. Of when he started prioritizing him in importance over all his other friends...which also just about marked the time that he put his vigilante days behind him.

Funny how that worked out.

Nowadays, Kyle no longer kept his window open. So, ignoring the pull in his chest, Kenny knocked on the glass in the middle of the night. Kyle was a light sleeper, of course. Always had been. And Kenny watched, breaking into his first real smile of the night, as the redhead abruptly sat up in his bed like a startled cat. He would have outright laughed if he hadn’t thought that the small movement might have knocked him off his small windowsill perch. Really, he swore this used to be easier. Kyle immediately looked to the window, and Kenny could see in his posture the exact moment he recognized him. Then, bless his heart because it was fucking freezing outside, Kyle quickly got out of bed and made his way over to the window.

“Kenny?” He said, face a mixture of worry and confusion as he opened the window and stepped aside so that Kenny could climb in. When he shut the window behind him, Kenny was immediately overwhelmed with the feeling of warmth and some other feeling that threatened to crawl up his throat and choke him.

“Hey Ky.”

Kyle took a moment to look at him, eyes remarkably bright in the small amount of light the window was letting in. “What are you doing here?” He finally settled on asking.

This was where Kenny could have gone ahead and said something easy to distract from revealing that which he had no idea how to put into words. Something like, _Oh I was just feeling nostalgic and thought I’d check if your window was still open_. Or _My parents were fighting and they’re loud as fuck, so I was wondering if I could crash here_.

But Kenny was tired of lying.

Allowing his smile to fall, he shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know.”

Kyle inspected him carefully, before reaching up and gently removing his hood. Kenny had never before felt so vulnerable, so damn breakable. It was stupid. Kyle moved his hand to softly brush across his cheek and it wasn’t until his hand came away wet that Kenny realized with mute horror that at some point he’d started crying.

When was it that he’d become such a fucking joke?

Without a word, Kyle wrapped his arms around him, and Kenny returned the action as tightly as he could. And Kyle didn’t let him go, just allowed him to stand there shaking from something that was not the cold, and let the tears run silently down his face.

Kyle had always been something steady, something constant and unchanging. Kenny scarcely knew who or what he was sometimes, but yet...Kyle let him in despite all that. Kyle was righteous, strong, and the smartest damn person Kenny had ever met. If there was one person whose opinion he valued, it was Kyle’s. If there was one person he felt safe with, it was Kyle. If there was one person who he wanted to give every single part of himself to and watch as he inspected each and every little broken piece…it was Kyle.

Everything always came back to Kyle and he had no idea what he was going to do once he was gone.

Sometime later, after Kenny stopped trembling and his tears all but stopped, Kyle pulled him right into bed with him.

It was easy for Kenny to get comfortable, for once he wasn’t concerned with anything besides Kyle’s familiar scent, the warmth of the blankets, and the solid presence of the boy beside him. It was a cumulation of things that were foreign yet real and familiar.

And for the first time in a long time, Kenny didn’t feel so alone.

***

“You haven’t been home a lot lately.”

Kenny looked over at Karen who had taken to inspecting him as if the reason for his frequent absences would be printed on his clothes. They were walking to school, the morning light reflecting off of the ever-present snow, and he looked down at his sister with an apologetic smile.

“Yeah, I know, sorry. I’ve been busy.”

She seemed to think over his words carefully before her eyes lit up. “Oh! Did you finally ask Kyle out?”

What the fuck.

“What?” He asked, trying to keep calm, “Why would I do that?”

“Oh please,” she rolled her eyes, “you’re obviously in love with him. I knew it since I was like eight.”

What the _fuck_. Either Karen had been talking to Kyle, or she had somehow developed brain powers and had seen his weird-ass thoughts and, with all her childish purity and fairytale-esque view of the world, had immediately labeled it as love. There was no other explanation.

“Well, I’m actually dating Butters.”

Her eyebrows scrunched up. “The little blond kid that always looks like a kicked puppy?” Kenny nodded. “Why?”

“He asked.” Kenny shrugged.

Karen stopped walking. “Kenny. Do you even like him?”

“Well yeah, I like him. I’ve been friends with him for years.”

“Yeah, yeah,” She waved him off, “But I mean do you _like_ him? Like do you want to fuck him?”

Kenny nearly choked. “Karen!”

“What? It’s a serious question.”

Kenny sighed, deciding to pretend he had never heard his baby sister ask him if he wanted to fuck his boyfriend, and shook his head.

“Kenny, you need to break up with him.”

She said it like it was simple. Like it was easy. Black and white. Drop the boy, pick up the prince, and live happily ever after...but this wasn’t a fairytale.

“It’s not that easy, Karen.” He sighed, suddenly feeling exhausted. “I’m lucky to have someone like Butters, and Kyle...he’d never settle for someone like me.”

“And why the hell not? Because we’re poor?”

“What! No!”

“Then why?” Kenny didn’t answer, and she looked at him pointedly. “Kenneth McCormick, you are the smartest, kindest, bravest, most amazing person I know. Kyle would be lucky to have _you_.” She paused and her gaze turned softer, “And you deserve to be happy, Kenny.”

Kenny gave Karen a knowing look but couldn’t help the smile or the broken hitch to his voice. “You’re just saying that because you’re my sister.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged and knocked her shoulder against his, “So what? It doesn’t make it any less true.”

Kenny reminded himself to buy her something nice later.

***

Kenny waited for Butters by the cafeteria entrance. He was jittery, shaking, and had no idea if he was mentally prepared to break up with one of the kindest people he had never met, who also happened to be one of his best friends. He just had to keep telling himself that it was all for Butters’ benefit because God knew the kid deserved so much better than what little he was able to give him.

Before long, Butters walked through the doors.

“Hey Leo, can I talk to ya for a minute?”

He smiled at him, wide and happy. “Sure ya can Kenny.”

He rested his arm across Butters’ shoulders to make their exit seem a little more natural, and Kenny was almost surprised at the ease in which Butters pressed into his side. It was almost… nice. A feeling he could maybe grow used to, in time.

He walked him to the lockers at the end of the hallway, where there would be no one who would overhear. Butters, for the most part, was still happily oblivious, but he was slowly starting to look around more frequently in confusion. Kenny knew he had to get this over with fast before he lost his nerve but found it incredibly hard to look Butters in the eye.

Of course, it was only when he looked away from him that he noticed it.

On the locker behind Butters’ head, there was a little heart drawn in black marker. Written on the outside of it was two names, _Bebe & Clyde_, one of those stupid little things that probably should have been carved into the trunk of some poor tree. The two of them had only just gotten together again fairly recently. They had always been one of those on and off couples, kind of like Stan and Wendy once were. If they’d been smart they would have split for good and went to find someone more compatible. But then again, if it were that easy, then why did they keep trying?

Kenny’s eyes fell to Butters’ wide light blue ones which were looking at him with concern.

“Kenny? You okay?”

Someday, legends may tell of the time that Kenny McCormick sold out his heart due to a stupid hand-drawn heart on the front of a locker. It was pathetic really, yet easier to blame some ink and hunk of metal for the action that would have labeled him distantly hopeful by the kind and a moronic coward by the harsh.

Either way, Kenny chose to see it as a sign.

“Sure am,” he put on his most convincing smile, hands that were hidden within the pocket of his hoodie clenched into fists. “Mind if I sleep over tonight?”

Saw it as a sign that said that matters of the heart were never that easy. That maybe...some things just came in time.

***

There were two important things to note about Butters Stotch.

One was that the boy had a heart of gold. He’d sell you his soul if he thought it might make you a little less sad.

Two was that he was a little too trusting and innocent for his own good. Blissfully unaware of most things, he tried his best to keep up with the world but sometimes he fell victim to the pit of his own naivety. Which would explain how the senior in high school managed to confuse his boyfriend’s request to sleep over with the more elementary definition of the word which involved popcorn, sleeping bags, and multiple people besides his well-appointed boyfriend.

Honestly, Kenny was relieved.

He really shouldn’t have been relieved.

By the time Kenny showed up at his house, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle were already there.

But, all things considered, the night fairly surprisingly passed by without incident. Cartman had apparently given Butters his old Gamesphere, and so they dug it out and had gotten lost in the nostalgia of old games they hadn’t played since they were kids. However, it wasn’t long before the clock hit 10 pm, which meant it was lights out at the Stotch’s household.

They slept down in the living room. Butters grabbed a pile of blankets to split between himself and Kenny, and the other boys rolled out their sleeping bags around the room. Stan and Kyle set theirs up next to each other on one side of the couch, and Eric set his up on the opposite side, likely to position his unconscious self as far away from Kyle as possible. When Butters returned with the blankets he set his and Kenny’s up next to Cartman’s. Which was fine. Kenny climbed in under the blankets as Butters turned off the lights, and everything was fine.

As it turned out, absolutely nothing about it was fine.

Kenny couldn’t sleep, a million thoughts racing through his head. It didn’t even help when he scooted a bit closer to Butters in an attempt to get comfortable. When he tried to get lost in the soft lavender scent that lingered on Butters’ blankets, and the warmth radiating off Butters’ sleeping form not more than an arm’s length away. Despite all his efforts, Kenny laid wide awake.

Eventually, after hours that might have been only minutes, Kenny got up and decided to occupy himself by raiding the Stotch’s kitchen. He took a cursory look over at where Kyle had set up, only to find his sleeping bag empty. For a moment he wondered where he had gone off to, only to get his answer not a second later.

When he walked into the kitchen, Kyle was sitting at the kitchen table, looking down into a glass of water. His brows were pinched up thoughtfully, and Kenny smiled to himself, wondering amusingly just what he saw in there.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Kyle jumped, but then visibly relaxed when he realized who it was. “No, not really? You?”

Kenny shrugged and pulled out the chair across from him to sit. “You want to talk about it?” Kenny offered.

For several moments Kyle was silent, and Kenny thought he wasn’t going to answer until finally, he spoke.

“The other day I was talking with this girl at the library,” Kyle started, a far-off tone to his voice. “She was funny as hell, and she looked familiar enough, but I couldn’t place where I had seen her. Turns out, I had English with her for three years.” His eyebrows scrunched together. “Three years. We could have studied together, could have even been friends, but I never even noticed her.”

“Okay,” Kenny said slowly, “so what’s this really about?”

Kyle shook his head. “I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve been noticing more things recently. Like no matter what you do life just keeps going, and if you make a wrong decision or ignore something you should have paid more attention to, then that’s it. It’s just gone, and you’ll never get the chance to go back and fix it.” Kenny was silent, unsure of what to say, and after a moment Kyle just shook his head and laughed. “I’m probably just being stupid.”

“You’re not being stupid, Ky,” Kenny said softly.

Kyle’s eyes found his and Kenny watched the way the moonlight cast shadows on his face from where it was coming through the window. Inspected the soft brush of red lashes against his cheeks and the dark red curls of his hair that were probably as soft as they looked. And it was stupid. Nonsensical. Completely and utterly baseless of any solid reasoning, but right at that moment, he thought Kyle might have been the most tragically beautiful thing he had ever seen.

And that’s when he knew.

Or maybe he had always known, but just had been too afraid to admit it to himself. Maybe it had always been there, just lying dormant beneath the surface. Sitting within the grooves of his skin and laced into the foundation of his bones. The concept of having a crush had never sat right with him, the word feelings at its base had sat like an unknowable object on the root of his tongue. It had always been something deeper, something formulaic, a compound comprised of base elements. Kyle had always just been Kyle, had always remained unchanging. He was the one he had depended on the most, the one he respected, the one he’d follow to the ends of the earth. All these little things that had always existed were now flying around in the pit of his stomach, telling him with no ounce of uncertainty, that he was one hundred percent helplessly in love with Kyle Broflovski.

“Is there anything you would have done differently?” Kyle asked, although Kenny scarcely heard him through the pounding of his own heart.

_Is there anything I would have done differently?_

What a thought, there were so many things Kenny would have changed that he wanted to laugh.

_I would have stopped lying to myself and told you that I was in love with you before I went and screwed everything up. Before I went and got Butters involved in this mess. Before I threw away years I could have spent with you for mindless flings and my own self-loathing._

“Probably would’ve stopped myself from becoming friends with Cartman.”

_Fucking liar._

They both laughed, and Kenny tried his best to squash the feeling in his chest that he’d just unintentionally proved the root of the issue. That this whole mess could have been avoided if he hadn’t been such a fucking coward.

***

“Ma… I don’t know what to do.”

It was the morning after the sleepover, and Kenny’s mother was in the kitchen washing dishes when he finally gave in and sought her advice. He’d been trying so hard to keep her out of his stupid problems, she had enough to worry about as it was, but he didn’t know who else to turn to. He was at a loss.

“Come sit down, Kenny.” She told him, drying off her hands and sitting down at the old rickety kitchen table. “Now tell me what’s been botherin’ you.”

And so, he told her.

Told her about kissing Kyle, and dating Butters, and his thoughts on love and about that stupid heart drawn on that locker that he couldn’t seem to get out of his head for some reason. And she just listened. Nodded along, and didn’t question, didn’t prod. Just…listened. It was nice.

“I think I’m just…” It was only when he finished his story with a drawn-off word and a shake of his head that she spoke.

“Scared?” She finished for him.

Kenny nodded.

She nodded and tapped her finger against her chin in thought. “This boy you’re with, is he treating you good?”

“Yeah.”

“And does he make you happy?”

“I… I don’t know.”

She hummed and nodded as if she understood. “You can learn to love mostly anyone, Kenny. Long as they try their best to treat you good, and specially’ if they give you something to believe in,” she said looking down and gently resting her palm against her flat stomach. Looking back up at him, Kenny noticed there was an odd glint to her eyes. “But that don’t mean that’s the only way it has to be. As you go through life, Kenny, you’re gonna find that there’s a whole lot of people you can learn to live with; but, there are very few in the world that you can’t live without.”

He felt unbearably small, like he was once again looking up at his mother hoping she could just fix everything like she used to fix his clothes. “But how do I tell the difference?”

She smiled at him; gentle and warm. “People come and go all the time, Kenny, but there’s very few that change us. Very few who help you to become everything you can be.” Then, leaning over the kitchen table, she kissed his forehead and told him, “Then you just got to find that one person who’s willing to give you everything, and don’t you dare ever settle for less, baby.”

***

After school Kenny met Stan and Kyle in the library. Stan was working on his application essay, and he kept asking Kyle if about every single line he wrote sounded okay. Kenny didn’t think Kyle was even bothering to read them anymore. Meanwhile, Kenny was actually attempting to do his homework, like he had been doing more frequently as of late. He might actually be able to score higher than the occasional C in his classes this year, it was actually a pretty nice thought.

“Come on Kyle,” Stan whined, “Just let me see your essay. I promise I’m not going to copy it.”

Kyle sighed, “I told you, I didn’t write one.”

“Yeah, and you’re clearly lying. All colleges require essays, especially the ones you wanted to apply to.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Kyle crossed his arms. “But I didn’t apply to any of them.” Both Kenny and Stan stopped and openly stared at him, and he looked them both in the eye before calmly stating, “I’m not going away to college.”

Silence. Kyle shrugged as if what he had just said wasn’t world-altering, before looking back down at the book he’d been reading.

“What?!” Stan was the first to speak.

Kyle looked up from his book, obviously annoyed. “I’m staying here and going to community.”

Kenny couldn’t fucking breathe.

“But _Kyle_ , weren’t you talking about how you qualified for that one scholarship for that one university?”

“Yeah, which was only like a couple thousand dollars. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“ _Kyle_!”

“Why are you making this into such a big deal, Stan?”

“You’ve been talking about leaving since we were in middle school!”

“So? I changed my mind.”

“I don’t… Kyle, did something happen?”

“Nothing fucking happened, Stan! Sorry if this is so hard for you to understand, but some people don’t want to move halfway across the country just so that they can party in a fucking frat house!”

And with that, Kyle stormed out.

***

“So…community college, huh?”

They were on the school rooftop, Kyle had apparently known that the door would have been unlocked. Kenny would have to ask him about that later.

Kyle shrugged in answer.

“What, did you spend so long convincing me that you ended up convincing yourself?”

Kyle shot him a glare.

Kenny put his hands up placatingly, “Sorry, sorry. Got it, still mad.”

With a roll of his eyes, Kyle turned his gaze back to the horizon and shook his head. 

“I’m just so done with people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do,” he admits, tone soft yet determined. 

“I’m guessing your mom didn’t take the news too well.”

In response he gave a sharp, humorless laugh, “She thinks I’m throwing my life away because I’m not going to law school. But I never once told her that I wanted to fucking go into law in the first place. That was all her.”

Kenny let the words sink in. He really wasn't surprised. Sheila Broflovski was a lot like her hot-headed son when it came to not backing down in the face of something that she wanted. The two were some of the most stubborn people Kenny had ever met. Still, they cared a whole lot about things. Had to give them that. 

“Well," Kenny said after a moment, "what do you wanna do?”

“I don’t know," Kyle said slowly. "I was thinking about majoring in education, or maybe even journalism." With an amused little smile, he turned his gaze back to Kenny. Kenny caught the sly hint to his eye and couldn't quite suppress a shiver that ran down the root of his spine. "Think you can pull out the costume for my first major article?”

“Kyle! I’m appalled!” Kenny said without missing a beat, feigning insult, “Mysterion takes his retirement very seriously.”

He shrugged. “Hey, it was worth a shot.”

“Just admit you want to see him in action again. I always knew you had a case of hero worship.”

As he had anticipated, Kyle immediately rose to the bait of his teasing. The kid was so hot-headed it was adorable. 

“I do not have fucking hero worship!”

“Uh-huh," Kenny said, trying to hold in his laughter, "you just keep telling yourself that.”

“Asshole.”

“You love it.” They trailed off into a companionable silence. Seconds turned into minutes and soon enough the final bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Still, neither of them moved as they watched the students slowly begin to filter out the front doors and head off in different directions. “I’m really glad you’re staying, Ky,” Kenny quietly admitted.

“Yeah,” Kyle looked over at him and meeting his eyes, he slowly smiled. “Me too.”

***

“I’m thinking about going to college.”

Butters looked to him in surprise. “Awe well that sure is great Kenny, but you don’t have’ta do that. I’ll get a real good job then you can just stay home and do the cooking and cleanin’."

He knew Butters only ever had the best intentions, but Kenny would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little insulted. He sat up from where he had been lying on Butters’ floor. “You want me to what, play housewife?”

“Oh gosh, I didn’t mean to offend ya, Kenny! I just know how hard you and your folks have it and I thought it might be nice if ya didn’t have to work anymore.”

Kenny ran his hands through the fibers of the rug, and seriously thought about it. Thought about sitting back and never having to work a day in his life. Thought of a lifetime of checking the unemployed box on paperwork, and of spending money that would never be truly his. Thought of being useless.

“I like working.”

Butters’ looked like he didn’t quite believe him, but he stayed quiet. Eventually, he ended the silence with a softly spoken, “Do you really wanna go to college, Kenny?”

Kenny paused and considered this question too. Thought of long study sessions. Of large bills and less hours to work, and nights gone without sleep.

Thought of laying across Kyle floor, textbook in hand, and looking up to see one of those little approving smiles that motivated him more than words ever could. Thought of managing to get high marks despite his circumstances, and of standing on stage as he received his degree in front of friends and family. Thought of having purpose, and of a bright future… and of finally being proud of himself.

Maybe…this was what Kyle had been trying to tell him all along.

“Yeah, Butters,” he looked up and smiled, “yeah, I think I do.”

***

Life doesn’t really turn out the way you expect it to.

Kenny was in his room filling out his very first college application as well as the endless form for financial aid. Lucky for him, he could pretty much just type zero for everything on the latter.

Some things change without you realizing. People weren’t who you once thought they were and you look yourself in the mirror one day and think there might be a little more there then you once thought.

He sat back on his bed when he was done and closed his laptop with a satisfying click.

It wasn’t so much a sudden feeling that had come from nowhere, instead it was a sudden realization. A confirmation of what now was and perhaps had always been true.

He had been so scared of change, so worried about Kyle leaving that he had been ignoring what had been right in front of him.

The truth of it all was, if Kyle did leave, vanishing for months, years...

Kenny could wait for him. Thought maybe he always would have.

He’d been so stupid. So selfish. He knew what he had to do.

***

They were all next to Kenny’s house, in the same place they had been only a few months ago. They’d used what they hadn’t had the time to burn last time, that was left over from Kyle’s assault on the ruined building, and had lit another bonfire. The whole thing had been Butters idea because apparently he had been upset that no one had invited him last time. They’d tried to explain that they knew he didn’t drink, and Butters had pointedly explained that you didn’t need alcohol to enjoy a bonfire.

And so, here they were.

Butters was laying across the ground, currently trying to stop an ant from heading straight into the fire, while Cartman kept telling him it was a waste of time and kept threatening to step on it. Still, they’d been at it for about half an hour, and Cartman still hadn’t moved from his spot on the ground. Stan and Kyle had come prepared with a bookbag full of papers and two of them kept pulling pieces out, crumpling them into balls, and seeing who could make the most shots into the fire. Most of it looked like college mail, but Kenny wasn’t really sure considering he never had any delivered to his house.

Kenny watched them all distantly but was lost somewhere in his head.

He needed to tell him. It was quiet, it was the perfect time to just say what he needed to, laugh it off, and then everything would move on as normal. He just needed to say it.

He didn’t know how to say it.

“Kenny? Are you okay?” Kyle asked, looking at him with concern.

Looking down he realized he had crushed the beer can he had been holding, its contents spilling over his hand and onto his jeans and the ground. He looked up and suddenly had four pairs of eyes on him. Kyle and Stan on one side, Cartman and Butters on the other. Kyle. Butters. Concerned. Waiting.

_Is there anything you would have done differently?_

It was all too much.

“I’m fine. Seriously,” he lied through his teeth. “Just give me a minute.” He then stood and started for the only place he knew he could be alone. Except he never quite made it there.

“Kenny, wait!” He’d made it about halfway behind the rubble that marked the place he normally used to climb up Sodosopa, when he turned to see Kyle coming up behind him.

“Ken,” he said once he was standing an arm’s length away from him, “what’s wrong?”

“Ky...I…” Kenny’s hands balled into fists at his sides. _I fell in love with you and I’m so sorry_. “I want you to go away to college,” he started, and once he started he couldn’t get himself to shut up. “I want you to go to some big fancy college, like you’ve been working so hard for. I don’t want you to be stuck here, not when you have a chance to leave.”

Kyle looked so confused, that it was quite frankly adorable. Then something must have clicked, because something profoundly sad crossed his expression before he stepped closer to Kenny, looking into his eyes with all the fiery determination that made the blood pulse through Kenny’s veins.

“You’re an amazing person, you know that right?” Kyle said without preamble, and Kenny’s heart nearly stopped at the unexpected words. Before he could even summon some kind of half-coherent response, Kyle continued. “It always pissed me off how people look down on you just because you’re poor because I know you work harder than anyone to make sure that you can support Karen and your family, and that’s really fucking admirable. Especially compared to me who had everything handed to me and who just did whatever they wanted me to do.” Kyle paused and slowly smiled, an amused arch to his brow. “And you do realize that I was telling the truth the other day? Kenny, I never wanted to go to fucking law school. The only reason I convinced myself it wouldn’t be so bad was…” He averted his eyes, suddenly looking sheepish. “...Uh well, it’s not important.”

“ _Kyle_ ,” Kenny said very seriously. He was so not letting him get out of this one.

“Seriously Ken,” Kyle rubbed at his neck and his face was starting to look red. _Oh my god, was he blushing?_ “It was stupid.”

“ _Kyyyle_ ” Kenny wined, dawning his kicked puppy look that Kyle always fell for. “Tell meee!”

“Oh my god, alright. But promise me you won’t get mad?” Kyle said, and Kenny sagely nodded. “I was going to ask you to be my roommate.”

 _Oh_. That had been about the last thing Kenny had expected. A sudden burst of affection formed for this hot-headed boy in front of him who had suddenly gained an avid interest in the ground. He’d truthfully have followed him anywhere...but only if Karen hadn’t needed him more.

“Kyle…You know I-”

“I know,” Kyle cut him off, obviously already knowing his answer. “Your family, right?”

Kenny nodded, smiling sadly.

“Yeah, I realized that when you said it the night of the bonfire. That was also about the time I realized what a fucking selfish asshole I was being-”

“Ky…”

“No, just let me say this. I’d had this grand plan, right? I’d have paid for everything, and you could have just come and lived with me, away from all this,” he gestured at the remains of old Sodosopa, and Kenny distantly wondered if it was on purpose. “I hadn’t even asked you, and yet I was so confident that you would have said yes, and it was stupid. Nonsensical. Because you’d never leave Karen, and I knew that, I always fucking knew, but…it wasn’t until you said it that I realized how stupid and unfair it had all been for you.”

“Ky, you wanted to give me a free place to live, that’s not really what I’d consider unfair.”

“Yes it was,” Kyle said, eyes suddenly intense. “Kenny, you deserve so much more. To go to college, to get a degree in whatever the fuck you want and make your own life for yourself.” His expression softened. “I know you’d do great in anything you put our mind to.”

“Well,” Kenny said, suddenly feeling extremely warm. “I did send in an application the other day. You’re a terrible influence.”

Kyle chuckled and lightly shoved him. “Good, I’m glad.”

They lapsed into silence and Kenny was suddenly intrinsically aware of how close they stood to each other. How easy it would have been to take his hands in his. To forgo words and just fucking rip open his chest and take out his heart so he could lay it in the palm of Kyle’s hands. Would tell him that it was all his, and he could do what whatever he wanted with it.

Then he would die, Kyle would forget, and he’d be right where he started.

Stuck, like he was now. With Butters sitting right around the corner, the kid deserving the world and not a fuck up who had nothing of himself left to give. One day, he’d tell him. One day, maybe when he could dawn the costume and recognize the face in the mirror, he’d finally be honest. Finally be brave.

One day.

“We should probably-”

Kenny never got to finish his sentence.

It started as a dull creaking sound, but the second he heard it Kenny knew with striking clarity exactly what it meant. He saw the shadow fall directly over both him and Kyle, and Kenny went into autopilot. Pushing Kyle out of the way, he put himself exactly where the redhead had been standing and braced himself for impact. He felt the beam cut through his side and he was dragged with it to the ground, feeling the familiar rush of blood from his body.

Kyle was next to him in a second. He dropped to the ground at his side, taking his hand into his own. He wasn’t crying, but there was something profoundly broken inside his gaze that spoke more than tears ever could. Kenny was suddenly hit with the reality of how close he’d been to losing him.

Kyle smoothed back his bangs and seemed to be saying something hurriedly, something that he must have felt was important. Kenny couldn’t focus on what he was saying, only on the feel of his hands in his hair, and the pretty green shade of his eyes. It probably didn’t matter anyway; although, distantly, Kenny wondered why Kyle hadn’t tried to call for an ambulance or something. Kyle had usually been the first to do so in the past. Instead, Kyle seemed to have stopped talking, and had settled on looking at him with that gaze that made him look like he’d figured all of the world out. Kenny focused on his mouth, on the way it shaped his name, and the way his eyes lit up as if he was about to say something profound, something world changing. Something Kenny knew he should definitely listen to, but before Kyle said anything he was interrupted by a familiar voice calling Kenny’s name.

Kenny looked to see Butters run over and drop to his side across from Kyle. From over Kyle’s shoulder Kenny could see Cartman slowly making his way over, and Stan who was standing further back, cell phone up to his ear.

At least Kenny thought it was a cell phone, everything was starting to blur together. It wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation, it always acted as a good indicator of how little time he had left.

Butters was crying his eyes out, clutching desperately at his right arm, small fingers digging into the skin as if that could bring him back. Kyle’s hand was holding his hand firm and solid within his own, his grip reminiscent of a tether to everything that was real.

Just like he’d always been.

“Kyle…” Kenny said quietly but with as much conviction as he could manage. No one but him would remember this by tomorrow, which was probably why it suddenly seemed so easy. So simple, even though it was the most important thing Kenny had ever said. “...I’m in love with you.”

Kyle’s hand froze in his hair, before resuming the motion as he slowly smiled, “I know.”

Kenny allowed his eyes to fall closed to that smile, wanting it to be the last thing he saw before willfully submitting to the darkness.

All things considered, it was the best death he’d ever had.

***

He woke up in a hospital bed.

He wasn’t exactly a stranger to hospitals, but it was a bit different waking up in one as opposed to dying in one. With a blink he attempted to sit up, noting the sharp pain and constriction in his side when he did so. Still, it was nothing he couldn’t handle, and at least he still had all his limbs intact, so that was pretty cool.

“Welcome back, dude.”

He looked over to see Stan with an expression that was half nausea and half pity. The poor guy never could take hospitals, Kenny was touched he showed up at all.

“How are you feeling?”

Kenny was about to answer something along the lines of _I’ve been worse_ , when he finally recalled exactly how he ended up here with a groan. Of course, the _one_ time he’d want them all to forget, and now both Kyle and Butters would remember with perfect clarity just which one of them he was in love with. Why did the world hate him?

Stan smirked, “That good, huh?”

Kenny offered him a withering look before he contorted his expression into the most pitiful he could manage. “Stan, we’re friends right?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Then please…” Kenny coughed and lowered his voice so that Stan had to lean in to hear him. “Do me a favor… and just… pull the plug.”

“What?”

“You know, take me off life support? Kill me? Please, it’s…” he coughed, weakly, “...what I want.”

Stan snorted. “You’re not on life support, dude.”

“What?!” Kenny shot up, looking at the unconnected machines with betrayal. “Shit!” He looked to Stan in complete seriousness. “Alright, so if you go to my room, in the back of my closet I have a gun hidden-“

“Dude! I’m not killing you!”

“I’ll pull the trigger! I just need you to bring it here!”

“Dude!”

Kenny huffed, caught in an odd mix of annoyance and gratitude. “…Some friend you are.”

“Why the hell do you have a gun anyway?” Stan asked after a pause, apparently deciding to believe that Kenny had only been being dramatic.

“Uh…” Kenny smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Don’t tell Kyle?”

Stan cringed. “Oh god, as if I’d give him another reason to worry about you.”

“…He worries about me?”

Stan looked at him like he was the biggest moron who ever lived. Hell, maybe he was. Then without a word he pinched the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh, “I swear I need to find new friends.”

“Awe, but Stanley you love us too much to leave us! Besides," Kenny grinned, "we’d just keep following you around anyway.”

Stan just shook his head and sighed.

As they lapsed into silence, Kenny decided it was a good a time as ever to bring up question they’d been skirting around. “So… what happened after I, you know, passed out or whatever,” he said, feigning for nonchalance.

Stan dropped his hand and leaned back in his chair with a shrug. “The ambulance came like seconds after you passed out. Kyle was the one that road with you to the hospital. Butters was too incoherent and I um…” He looked off a bit awkwardly “You know how I am with blood and all.”

“Don’t worry about it," Kenny brushed it off, more interested in the other party. "Did Butters happen to say anything after…?”

Stan finally looked properly sympathetic. “Not that I know of, he kinda just… kept crying. I think Cartman brought him to his house afterwards, you should ask him.” Kenny gave him a look, and Stan shrugged helplessly. “Or not.”

“And has Kyle…?”

“Nuh-Uh. Nope.” Stan put his hands up in defense. “No way dude, I’m not touching that. You’re going to have to talk to him.”

Kenny sighed, “It was worth a shot.”

“If it makes you feel any better, he comes here every day.”

“Really?” He asked, hating the hopeful tone to his voice.

“Of course he does, dude. He was fucking worried, we all were.”

They had been worried? Kenny’s chest constricted painfully. After all that he’d done and still, Stan was here, Kyle visited every day, and Butters...

“And...” He hesitated, unsure if he should ask or if he really wanted to know the answer. He asked anyway. “…What about Butters?”

Stan shrugged. “Kyle said he saw him a couple times, but apparently he always brings Cartman.” Stan scoffed. “It’s probably on purpose, everyone knows the one way to get Kyle to leave a room in less than five minutes is to stick fatass in it.”

They both shared a look and laughed. Kenny had a great mental picture of Kyle and Cartman trying to kill each other in a hospital while Butters fiddled with his hands in the corner and he himself laid unconscious in a hospital bed. His friends were as weird as they were insane, but they were like a family. A stupid beautiful family.

He needed to fix things. To apologize for being a trainwreck. He just...wasn’t sure how to go about that yet.

“Hey, Stan?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you maybe just… not tell them that I woke up?”

He felt warmth on his arm, and he looked down to see Stan’s hand gently resting there. Looking up, he met Stan’s eyes with something that might have been hope.

“Not a chance, dude.”

Kenny fell back onto the bed with a groan. Stan was so not getting a Christmas present this year.

***

Kenny had never thought about breaking out of a hospital before, but after Stan left he highly considered it. He was in the middle of judging the likelihood of surviving a fall out the hospital’s second story window because _apparently_ he couldn’t trust his curse anymore, when he heard a soft knock on his door.

“Heya Kenny…”

Butters stood alone in the doorway, fiddling with his hands again. The fluorescent lighting did strange things to the kid, causing his fair skin and hair to appear to almost be glowing. He was beautiful, not that Kenny would have ever argued on the contrary. Oh, how easy it would have been to love Butters Stotch. In another lifetime, another universe, an alternate existence where Kenny McCormick had never met Kyle Broflovski. Maybe they never would have fit quite right together, never would have known of a love that delved into passion and not just comfort, and never would know what it felt like to take the world by storm- much preferring to vanish into obscurity in some small little two-person home. But Kenny thought he could have learned to love him… given the time. Perhaps that had always been the worst part of their relationship, knowing that making it work would have been easy…

Kenny just had never wanted it to.

“Hey Leo,” Kenny smiled, knowing that it fell short.

Butters matched his smile and walked across the room, taking his time getting situated in the chair next to the bed. Kenny watched him carefully in the heavy silence. He had been half expecting tears, bags under his eyes, and the heartbreak that came with hurting someone with as good of a heart as Butters. But, contrary to his expectations, Butters looked good. Nervous, and a bit uncomfortable, but good.

“I sure am glad you’re feeling better Kenny, I was real worried about you.”

Kenny nodded, unsure of what to say. Butters watched him with concern, and Kenny didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry. He’d been horrible to this kid, leading him on when he obviously had feelings for someone else; and yet here was Butters, gentle and worried without a single bitter remark. Sometimes Kenny just wished he would yell at him, punch him or something. This blind sympathy just made him feel more guilty. Kenny shook his head, “Butters… I’m sorry.”

Butters blinked at him as if confused by the words. Though understanding soon took its hold, and he placed a hand on Kenny’s arm, soft and gentle.

“I’m not sore with you.”

If Kenny’s eyes went any wider they’d probably have been in danger of falling from his head. “Wait, _what_?”

Butters smiled, little wisps of his hair shining under the fluorescent lighting. “You were always lookin’ real down, ‘specially whenever someone talked about datin’. So, I thought maybe if we started datin’ then that’d make ya happy.” He reached over and gave Kenny a reassuring pat on the hand. “And well gee it was fun and all, but if Kyle is the one who makes ya happy… then you should be with him.”

Never had Kenny been more sure that the world did not deserve Butters Stotch.

They faded into a comfortable silence, Kenny feeling too choked up to dare speak. The moment was reminiscent of their early days, a quiet reversion to the easy friendship they had once shared. Kenny hadn’t realized how much he’d missed it.

Butters was the first to break the silence.

“Now I sure wish I could stay a lil’ longer Kenny, but I really should get goin’. Eric doesn’t like it when I make him wait too long.”

Kenny blinked in surprise, finally trusting his voice to speak. “Eric?”

Butters nodded. “I’m sure he wanted to see you real bad, but I said he’d better just go ahead and wait in the car.”

“Eric? Eric Cartman?”

He gave another quick little nod to Kenny’s disbelief. “He’s been bein’ real nice to me ever since you got hurt.”

That sly bastard. Granted, Kenny wasn’t really all that surprised, it’d explain why Cartman had been especially dickish to him lately. Butters would be good for him. And if the fatass treated him badly, Kenny wouldn’t hesitate to castrate him.

It was pretty much a win-win situation for everybody.

Butters gave Kenny an affectionate pat on the shoulder, before standing in preparation to leave. Knowing that this might be his last chance to do so, Kenny stopped him before he reached the door.

"Hey, Leo?"

"Yeah, Kenny?"

"I do care about you.” Kenny swallowed thickly, “You know that, right?"

Butters laughed, light and simple. "Course I do, silly. Now get some sleep."

***

When Kenny woke up it was to the sound of discontented mumbling. He pushed himself into a sitting position, only to get a front row seat to Kyle Broflovski’s pacing back and forth across his room while muttering to himself. It really shouldn’t have been as endearing as it was.

“Hey Ky.”

Kyle swore and whipped around so fast that he almost lost his footing. Kenny had to try really hard not to burst out in laughter. Had to try _really_ hard. All while Kyle just continued to stand there blinking owlishly at him, seemingly fumbling around in his head for words. “Uh,” he finally settled on, “Stan told me you had woke up.”

“Yeah?” Kenny muffled his giggles with his hand.

Kyle seemed to relax at the sight and he smiled fondly. “I’m sorry it took me so long,” he said quietly.

“Don’t worry about it, Ky.”

“How are you feeling?” Kyle said, walking over to sit next to him on the bed.

“Like I got impaled through the side with a giant piece of metal,” he shrugged, “but I’ve had worse.”

Kyle slowly nodded, “Kenny how much do you remember of what happened after you got hurt?”

_Uh, you mean the part where I told you that I was in love with you? Kinda hard to forget that little detail._

Kenny shrugged, pretending he wasn’t panicking on the inside. “Not much.”

“So you don’t remember what I told you?”

Wait, what _Kyle_ told _him_?

“Uh, no?”

“Ken, I know you can’t die.”

It was as if someone had just come and punched Kenny in the gut. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, the only thing he could register was the faint rush of blood in his ears and the words that had just been so casually uttered bouncing around in his brain like a mantra.

_I know you can’t die._

For a brief moment, he wondered if he was dreaming. If this entire visit with Kyle was just conjured up in his mind, and he would wake up any moment to the sight of an empty hospital room, or maybe even to the sight of his old stupid ramshackle ceiling. That was something he could deal with. This was...like Kyle had just gone and hung the fucking stars in the sky. It was too good to be true. Things like this didn’t just happen. Not to him.

“You do?” Kenny said, hating how small his voice sounded.

Kyle gave him an amused smile. “Kenny, you used to come into my room almost every night dressed up as some sort of death-defying vigilante. You’d come in with actual stab wounds, and then the next day at school you wouldn’t even have a scar.” He brushed his fingers against the unmarked skin of Kenny’s arm as if remembering, and Kenny shivered. “I’d have to have been crazy not to believe you.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I never knew what to do with the information.” Kyle shook his head and gave a small shrug. “It seems stupid now, but I wanted to give you something, some kind of evidence or explanation. I didn’t want to say I believed you and then do nothing about it, or for you to realize that I was...I don’t know...useless I guess? That just seemed worse.”

“You could never be useless, Ky,” Kenny whispered. “Just knowing you believe me, that’s enough.”

“I know, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner,” Kyle said with a small, sad little smile. “I was an idiot.”

“Yeah, you were,” Kenny said affectionately, finally coming to terms with the fact that this wasn’t all just a dream. “But it’s alright, I’ve been being pretty stupid myself these past couple weeks,” he admitted, lightly punching Kyle’s arm. Kyle did the same with a small laugh.

It was a mutual understanding. Forgiveness.

“So…” Kyle started after a moment, sounding uncharacteristically nervous. “Are you single?”

Kenny didn’t think he’d ever smiled so wide in his life.

“Oh my god, you did not just segue talking about my death to asking if I’m on the market.”

“Well, someone had to do it!”

“You could have waited! Could have like asked me about my day or something!”

“Alright, then how was your day?”

“You can’t go back and do it now!” Kenny burst into giggles.

Kyle looked at him fondly. “So,” he asked after Kenny got himself under control. “Are you?”

“Butters and I only broke up like three hours ago,” he said, even though he was already leaning in.

“I don’t fucking give a shit,” Kyle whispered.

And then he kissed him.

It was the first time Kenny had ever been kissed so gently. So delicately, as if he was made of glass and not of immortal flesh and bone. He brought a hand up to rest on Kyle’s neck and pulled him closer, wanting nothing more than to melt into him. Still, Kenny allowed Kyle to set the pace as he met every gentle press just as gently, and although the whole ordeal was painstakingly slow and soft, and he had always considered himself one who preferred fire and passion, Kenny’s heart had never before beat so quickly.

Kyle was the first to pull back, but he didn’t go far, continuing to trace Kenny’s jaw with his fingertips. He leaned in and gently kissed his forehead, before looking him in the eyes. “No more secrets, okay?” Kenny nodded, dazed. Shit, Kyle might make a romantic of him yet. Kyle seemed overly smug, and much to Kenny’s displeasure leaned back into his own space. “Oh, and you know I love you too, right?” Kyle casually said, almost as an afterthought. “I don’t think I’ve been doing such a great job of hiding it, Stan’s been giving me shit for years.”

“Years?” Kenny squeaked.

“Well yeah, but I’ve only recently given a name to it. I mean, I’ve always thought you were fucking pretty, dude,” he shrugged, “But people get baseless crushes all the time. I wanted to make sure what I felt was real before I did anything I’d regret.”

“And that was, how long exactly?” Kyle just gave him a look, Kenny smirked, glad to have finally gained some ground here. “No secrets, remember?”

Kyle sighed, looking as if he suddenly regretted his entire existence. “So, uh, remember when we were talking about Mysterion and I said there hadn’t been any hero worship?”

“Dude.”

“Yeah...”

“ _Dude_. What the fuck?” Kenny snickered, eyes wide. “That was like three years ago!”

“I needed time to think everything through,” Kyle said, crossing his arms defensively, which only made Kenny laugh harder.

"I can’t believe you cockblocked _yourself_ for three years.”

Kyle groaned. “I’m never going to hear the end of this am I?"

“Not for as long as we live, babe,” said Kenny, before a thought crossed his mind and his smile abruptly fell. “Kyle I… You know I’m not him, right?”

“What?” Kyle said in clear confusion a moment before something must have clicked because he gave a sudden long-suffering sigh. “Oh, please not this again. I told you before I’m not going to act like I don’t know-”

“No,” Kenny stopped him, voice quiet as he looked down at the fibers of the sheets on his hospital bed, “that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that I don’t know how to be brave like he is. Without the mask I’m just...well,” he shrugged, “me I guess.”

For a terrifying moment, Kyle was silent. Then, ever so slowly, he reached over and tilted up Kenny's chin so he'd meet his eyes.

“You don’t need a mask to be a hero, Kenny,” Kyle said softly, smoothing back his hair. “You weren’t anyone but yourself when you saved me back there, and immortality or not, I think that’s pretty damn brave.”

Kenny blinked at him, so fucking hopeful. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, you idiot,” Kyle said gently, taking his hand. “I love _you_ , Kenny McCormick, and that means every part.”

“Kyle, that’s so gay,” Kenny giggled, even though he was nearly moved to tears.

“I’m being honest, you asswipe.”

“You know,” Kenny said after a moment, looking down at their conjoined hands. “If you’d wanted me for that long, you could have had me. I’d never have said no to you.”

“I know,” Kyle said easily, giving his hand a firm squeeze. “Which was exactly why I needed you to figure it out for yourself first. There was a reason I waited three years, you know.”

Kenny let that sink in for a moment. Kyle had been just as afraid as he’d been, it made sense, he always had been a bit of an overthinker. Still, three years of seemingly unreciprocated pining and he’d never spoken a word. Just kept on waiting. Kenny wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch him or kiss him. Maybe both.

“Thank you,” Kenny settled on telling him. “You know, for waiting for my stupid ass.”

“Your stupid ass is worth waiting for,” Kyle said in complete seriousness.

And Kenny thought that might have been the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. He couldn’t remember ever being so fucking happy.

***

The grass was soft against Kenny’s back.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and imagined he was in his own eternity. Lost in the earth and the sky and the trees. Far off in the distance, there were people going about their day to day, never knowing that he was there. Never knowing that he even existed.

A weight pushed down on his chest, so heavy he could hardly breathe.

Kenny smiled.

“Kyle, babe, you’re crushing me.”

His boyfriend laughed and rolled off of him. Kenny watched as he got to his feet and turned to offer his hand. “Come on,” Kyle said,” Stan’s going to be pissed if we miss seeing him off.”

Kenny grinned up at him, before reaching up and putting his hand in his.

Kyle pulled him up, and together they walked to Stan’s house to meet with the rest.

***

**Author's Note:**

> As an avid K2 shipper I was kind of always interested in comparing the Kenny/Butters dynamic with the Kenny/Kyle dynamic since Bunny always seemed so popular yet I never really understood why. This is what resulted, I guess lol. 
> 
> A big thanks to Townycod13 who was willing to read this before I posted it and was super supportive!! Also she's amazing and drew me amazing art o.o  
> https://panacea-for-all-evil.tumblr.com/post/177900520921/townycod13-a-baseless-affliction-by


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